We all have an experience of what it means to be human. These experiences allow us to consider and even understand that there is more. We may or may not have a notion of what that more is.
The more starts with experience.
We felt lost or in a desperate situation, and we prayed and felt as if our prayer was heard and answered.
We felt lost and in a desperate situation, so we sent out a prayer, which we do not believe was heard or answered.
My father recounted a story over and over about when he pressed the gas pedal in his car to turn out onto a road with a blind curve to the left. It was a road that was only safe to turn onto at night because one could see the headlights of an oncoming car. Not seeing any headlights, he ventured out onto the road, and his car suddenly stopped just as a vehicle with no headlights was speeding down the road with a police car directly behind. He believed this to be an angel.
One person recounted that when he went to the woods, he felt connected while walking and witnessed faeries floating in the air and around the trees.
One gentleman told me of a time he and his mother were about to be run off the road, which was on a cliff. He turned to see Jesus in the backseat just as his mother could swerve and go through a barn door, saving them from the cliff.
A few weeks before my husband passed, he told me he had seen a golden faerie above my head while I was sleeping.
I was aware of the presence of ‘more’ when the doctor told us that my husband would need to go to hospice. I told the doctor that every doctor must have a colossal angle with them when they convey such information. I had no other word for the feeling I had at the time than an angel.
I have listened recently to Spiritual Leaders who are unaccustomed to sharing their personal experiences with the non-physical tell stories of times of knowing, of times they felt a guide or an angel with them, of times when they felt the presence of a past loved one and knew that the experience was real.
Rev. John White was a Spiritualist Minister and served at Lily Dale for 40-plus years. He was my friend and, in many ways, a life coach. He believed that if you wanted to get better at something you were interested in, hang around with the people you knew were doing it well. He understood people, had compassion, was striving to improve, and was aware of group politics without becoming involved in the drama. He invited me to ‘hang around’ him after he became aware of organizational politics, maneuvering to try and isolate me. I did not understand any of it at the time. All I knew was that John White told me to sign up with his organization, and he would make sure I was taken care of and encouraged me to study outside the group I started with. It also meant I could be his aide on some of the circles and courses he taught. One event was a regular Sunday night Circle. It was open to anyone, and John would attract 50 or more people in one evening to experience the Divine.
John walked people through a guided experience where they were offered space to chat with a non-physical presence. To receive insight and guidance into one’s own life through the exchange. I had been through many such experiences before, and with each one, I was satisfied. I believed I was in the presence of comfort and compassion, and I sometimes gained insight into a part of my life. Without exception, the people around me in the class or the experience heard from guides, angles, ancestors, bright lights, totems, master teachers, etc. I was also a bit frustrated. John left time for people to pair off and share their experiences. I listened as people explained how they had an experience with unique angles, healing guides, and extraordinary protection from whatever life would throw at them. As I listened, I felt something missing from what I was hearing. That didn't seem to be the whole story, especially since whenever I tried the same type of exercise, none of that was my experience.
After all the participants had gone for the evening, I spoke with John about the multitude of experiences and my absence from one. He explained that it was all in perception. It was all in what people needed from the moment they felt connected to Divinity through themselves and how much they needed something outside of themselves to let them know they were connected.
A quote from Joe Dispenza rings true here: “If we have grown accustomed to feeling unworthy, we want to continue feeling that way because we are in the neurochemical habit of being unworthy.”
In this case, the unworthiness of examining and perceiving our experience in a way that does not outsource it to another (an angel, a guide, a special something).
I am not saying there aren't individualized aspects of the ONE in the non-physical; there must be. I DO understand (at least at this moment) that in trying to make sense of our experiences, our bodies, our senses, our hearts, our memories, and our brains come up with the best explanation that it can give what we can understand at any particular time. Sometimes, it perceives or interprets an individualized aspect of the ONE that may not be the most accurate perspective.
In the work of Ken Wilber, he refers to any experience in which we understand ‘more’ as our wake-up moment (of which it is possible to have many, many wake-up experiences in life). We can only perceive and understand our wake-up moment from the place of development, integration, and healing we are in. So, for example, if I am 6 years old and have lost a tooth, I place that tooth under my pillow, and the following day, the tooth is gone, and there is a coin or a treat in its place. At six years old, I believed the tooth faerie visited and liked children’s teeth. At ten years old, I went through my parents' room to try and find a hair tie, and I came across an envelope with my name on it, and when I opened it, I saw several little teeth. At this moment, I revisit my beliefs and perceptions when I was six and conclude that the tooth fairy was my parents.
In a nutshell, we interpret our experiences the best we can for the moment we are in. In Ken Wilber’s Integral Theory, the willingness to move into a more accurate perspective comes from ‘growing up.’
Growing up also entails "Cleaning up,” which is the healing aspect of our journey. It is the part that says we understand that staying stagnant is the easy bit. To say there is more, to push ourselves to do the introspection, the healing, the shadow work, and to revisit what we thought we knew for certain and say, well, maybe not, and reinterpret it in light of what we have and are growing into takes courage and conviction.
We must be ready for a sense of loss when we change our behavior patterns, whether with others or within ourselves. Our bodies are used to the rush of chemicals and the familiar neural pathways, so it feels like a loss when we don’t get that. This can trigger urges and impulsive thoughts as the body seeks its ‘daily dose.’ This activates an inner dialogue, or “the committee.” Instead of getting that chemical fix from our interactions with others, even non-physical ones, we might try to get it by reverting to old habits. We can be misled by thoughts like, “This just doesn’t feel right,” “I have to listen to my gut,” or “I need to honor my feelings and inner guidance.” This “inner guidance” may masquerade as proper guidance but is actually the body’s desire to stop the discomfort of the chemical withdrawal in the brain that happens when we choose, react, and are in unfamiliar territory. (Foundational Research section of The Art of Quantum Living Coaches Manual)
I mentioned above the time that the doctor relayed the information that there was nothing else that medicine could do for my husband’s cancer, and we were asked to sign up for hospice and palliative care. I felt a shift while I stood in the doctor’s office, hearing these words. I was aware of listening to the doctor and feeling safe and well. I felt a sense of wisdom, knowing that this was the correct action and that I would have the strength to be in this space with my husband. There was a rush of what I can only call compassion. It came from the inside out, although I could not conceive of that then, and outsourced all my feelings to what I began to call the angel Uriel. After my husband went to bed that night, I sat with the search engines and typed in all I felt. An artist's rendition of the angel Uriel appeared on my screen, and my heart sighed in relief that I had not made the experience up.
I never saw the angel. I convinced myself that the image on my computer screen must have been there since it conjured the same feelings. I had the feelings. Feelings that were powerful, safe, compassionate, and full of strength. The previous two years' events faded into that exact moment, and that moment was all there was. It was one of the most connected moments my humanity has ever had with my Divinity. I was not ready at that moment to know that it was all me and my human self recognizing the Essence that I am as an aspect of Spirit. As time has marched on and I have integrated elements of that time, continued healing, and continued my journey with mediumship, my interpretation of that day, that moment, and many others have shifted.
My interpretation of mediumship has also shifted. It is being able to slide into the awareness I had in the doctor's office without needing a life-changing event to get me there. It is sharing that space with others, not just by bringing through evidence of memories and connection continuing after physical death, but by sharing space with people for their own experience of Divinity in the most appropriate way. It is consciously choosing to be in a compassionate space and allowing that to flow, especially when my comfort is absent. It is honoring the boundaries I need for my human experience while continually pushing the limits that are only there because it is easier than growing. My willingness to access and constantly reinterpret my Divinity makes that possible.
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